Today’s tough scene is their “first time”. The challenge is keeping it balanced, knowing what to do before they close the door.
@JaneLebak Last night’s problem line is now toast. Found a better approach.
He stepped back, uncomfortable. I don’t want her to feel pressured … ROTFL (at Jane’s Twitter comment about zombies) … he felt clammy hands on his neck.
Dear MSWord: Please remember I prefer Draft view, not Print, which has columns.
IvyR @CricketB Dear Cricket, I know what’s best for you, dear girl. Don’t tell me what you think you want; leave the choices to me. Love, MSWord
@IvyR Solutions (often of the “step away from the brick wall” variety.) — in reply to Ivy and Jane talking about multi-tasking while writing
She sounds so …. mercenary.
Dear muses: Does he think of her as girl or woman? Teenager doesn’t sound right, even though it’s accurate.
Can I close the door on them now? Please?
Phew, it’s morning. She wakes up. Eeeek, what about her roommate, worried she didn’t come home? She’s not the type to needlessly worry a roommate, and the very first draft had a conversation between the girls, but… how to squeeze it in.
Okay, they’ve almost flipped motives. He was supposed to be her lifeline to sanity. He stays on Earth, while she goes to the station. Remember the MASH episode, when BJ falls for the artist, and she draws him with a life-ring and cord leading back to his family? Two little lines, and now the need to hold on to that lifeline is keeping him sane. I like the result.
Except … “cold and lonely” is too close to “it was cold for him.” Need something like vengeance for the dead is necrotic, cold, tomb, backward-looking, to contrast with living and future.
Now I need something warm to hold on to. Not fire. Something like a hot brick wrapped in a towel. Warm, solid, and comforting.
He wanted her to have one more summer memory, to hold on to when she shivered alone on the station. A memory for himself, too. Vengeance could keep him going, but it was cold. She was warm and living. He could keep going, so someday she could find spring. — overdone or what?
Mental whiplash. If we started with para 2, they’d be in her headspace. As is, looks like it’s still his, and thinking her thoughts.
There were a few false starts and reassurances. Then they tried again.
— That’s a line that will depend on who is reading it. I suspect the majority will pick the meaning I didn’t intend.
Throwing in scents at random places. Mostly easy, but that one scene? Earlier scene, she’s about to cry. Her nose is stuffed. She wouldn’t smell anything.
From the top, again. What if the room is taken? If her classmates suspected she wanted it, they’d quietly make sure it was free. Their way of supporting her.
Interesting thought. She could go either way. Keep celibate, except for him. Or gather rosebuds wherever and wherever she can.